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INT. A BUSY RESTAURANT ON SAINT VALENTINE'S DAY - EVENING

A couple sit at a table-for-two in a restaurant. They are surrounded by similar others. They scan the menus and sip at wine. ONE eyes TWO frequently. There is clearly intent behind the furtive glances, with a patina of tension; timing is important but takes second place to impulse.

ONE

Will you marry me?

TWO

(emphatically)

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

ONE

Wow. You're cracking.

TWO

I'm not cracking. I'm being emphatic.

ONE

One 'no' is emphatic. Two is borderline. You might get away with that. But you just took a trip up into the Noey Mountains and on into the Kingdom of Denial. I do believe you may even have pitched tent on the mysterious Ground of Uncertainty.

TWO

Are you serious? I was being emphatic. There's no limitation on the number of 'no's you can use for emphasis. If the person you're saying it to clearly has no understanding of the word, as previously demonstrated on numerous other occasions, then the problem lies not with the sayer, but with the sayee.

ONE

I understand. I just don't believe. I believe that the sayee is expressing a genuine emotion and personal need for which the sayer is psychologically unprepared.

TWO

Outrageous! Wait. I'm the sayer, right?

 

ONE

In this context, as the 'no'er, you are the sayer, I am the sayee. The refusal to marry lies with the sayer. You are the sayer.

 

TWO

Fine.

(TWO looks up as a waiter approaches)

The waiter's coming. I think we should decide what we want.

ONE

I know what I want. What about you? TWO

The sayer says shut up and order. WAITER

Are you ready to order?

ONE

We are. I will have the steak, medium rare, with a salad. Could I have a poached egg on the steak?

WAITER

Of course.

TWO

I'll have the lobster. With a salad. Does the salad have onion in it?

WAITER If you wish.

TWO

I do so wish. Could you make it red onion?

WAITER

Of course.

ONE

And could we have another bottle of the Merlot please?

WAITER

By all means. I shall have it sent straight over.

Thanks.

The WAITER leaves

TWO

Wow! He's classy. Was he English? ONE

I don't think so.

TWO

He sounded like that old actor. What was his name? He always did those posh pseudo-English voiceovers.

ONE

Wilfred Hyde-White?

TWO

No. The other guy. When he got old he had a head like a turtle.

ONE

Like a turtle? Really? That's not the best description I ever heard of an old guy. Now you've said that, I think we all go turtle-up in the end. If you think about it, lots of old folk are a little turtley. I guess that's the good thing about being a turtle. No one will ever guess your age.

TWO

Houseman. John Houseman.

ONE

John Houseman? He wasn't English? I always thought he was. I feel a little let down.

TWO

I'm not saying he wasn't English. I don't know.

ONE

It's a great voice, either way.

TWO

It so is.

 

I wish I had a great voice. Like Jeremy Irons or Morgan Freeman.

TWO

Oh, Morgan Freeman. I could die to his voice. Stick some earphones on me and let me fade away with his voice in my head.

ONE

Yeah.

A waiter brings a new bottle of wine. ONE indicates he should leave it. The waiter leaves. ONE pours TWO some more wine

Have some more wine and tell me why you won't marry me.

TWO

How is it that I can distract you like a puppy on any other subject?

Can't you be a puppy? Just for tonight?

ONE

Consider me a Rottweiler. I have you in my grasp and will not let go until I have sated my appetite for answers. One, two, three, go.

TWO

I can't do that. I would rather tell you why I would marry you rather than why I wouldn't.

ONE

Why?

TWO

Because telling you why I would marry you is positive. Telling you why I wouldn't marry you is just negative. It serves no purpose.

It's creepy.

ONE

(laughs)

Creepy? How so?

TWO

(pauses a little awkwardly)

Don't laugh. I'm serious.

It's easy to say what's wrong with a person. Faults are like mountains. They're easy to see and the closer you get, the bigger those faults become.

ONE

Oh, there's touch the psychobabble. Okay, so tell me why you would marry me.

TWO

I won't marry you. I've told you. Telling you why I would marry you is irrelevant. It's not going to happen. And it has nothing to do with psychology. You thought you'd got away with that. You didn't.

ONE

Of course it does. Everything has to do with psychology.

TWO

Everything?

ONE

Of course. Okay. Name me one thing that doesn't.

TWO

Shopping for food.

ONE

Oh, really? How can shopping for food not be about psychology?

TWO

Because it's about hunger. It's a physical thing, not a psychological thing. You shop to your tastes. You shop according to what you want to eat, according to your needs.

That's not psychology. That's hungry, that's fuel for the fire, that's just your basic staying alive.

ONE

You hate asparagus.

TWO

Okay. I'll go with this. Yes, I do hate asparagus.

Why?

TWO

Why? Because it tastes like urine. It's solid urine. If we peed solid, it would be asparagus. It's so urine, it makes your urine smell. That's a double whammy against asparagus. It has the texture of jello. Jello urine. Stop smiling or I will club you to death with this lovely Merlot.

ONE

I'm sorry. When did you discover that it tastes like urine?

TWO

When did I discover...?

ONE

Yes. When?

TWO

Years ago. I can't remember. Yes I can. I can remember my mom cooking some for dinner when I was really young. About five or six, I guess.

I could smell it cooking. I thought the cat had peed somwehere. Then she brought it to me and I smelled that smell, only this time on a plate in front of me.

ONE

And?

TWO

And? I threw up.

ONE

(disbelievingly)

No way. I did not know that. You threw up?

TWO

All the way, like over the table, the floor, on my brother's arm. All I could taste was asparagus mixed with catty piss because that was all I could smell.

ONE

(laughing)

What did your mother say?

TWO

I think she was a little put out. I just told her I'd felt sick all day and she did the mum thing and checked my temperature and gave me stuff.

ONE

I did that with liver. Only it was at school and I threw up on Mickey Glasowicz.

TWO

No way! Mickey Glasowicz? The one with...?

ONE

The same. How did he ever deal with that?

TWO

Therapy, I heard.

ONE

I wonder what he's doing now.

TWO

I heard animal porn.

(ONE bursts into laughter)

Why'd you throw up?

ONE

It had an artery in it. Half an artery actually. One half was in my mouth. I saw the other half still in the liver. Like a sewer pipe.

You know? Thick. And I could feel this rubber band in my mouth and the more I tried to chew it, the bigger it got until it was as if it filled my whole mouth and I couldn't swallow it and I started to gag and just threw up. Not just ordinary throw up. It was like The Exorcist. I swear to God my head span around. I went hot and cold, dizzy, the works. And you know when you try not to throw up? When you try to push it back down?

When you try to think about something else like the football or detention or Betty Mehan's tits?

TWO

Can't say I know about Betty's tits, but go on.

ONE

Well, the more I tried to keep it down, the more likely I was to throw it. Christ! Poor Mickey took it full-blast. Chest, neck, the works. If his mouth had been open...

TWO

I get it. So, that's not psychological?

ONE

No, it's revulsion.

TWO

Revulsion is psychological.

ONE

Revulsion is a physical reaction to a physical stimulus.

TWO

It's a psychological reaction to a physical stimulus.

ONE

How so? I was revolted by the sensation of the liver artery in my mouth. It was not what I had expected from my previous experience. The excessive chewing on the artery and the failed attempts to swallow said artery caused me to gag which in turn caused me to vomit, purely as a physical reaction to the gagging.

TWO

So you didn't think for one second about all the shit flowing through that rubbery sewer pipe which was growing larger by the second both in your eyes and in your mouth.

You didn't actually feel the faeces and the blood and poisons rolling around your tongue; you didn't taste it's bitterness as it hit the back of your tongue and began to drip stickily down your throat.

ONE

Not for a second.

TWO

So, then why is my hatred of asparagus psychological.

ONE

Because you're a head-fuck at the best of times.

TWO

I got you, didn't I.

ONE

You threw me. That's not the same thing. And thinking that asparagus smells of urine is not normal. My reaction was based upon a physical, real reaction to a physical, real stimulus. Yours is based upon delusion, that your food had cat's piss in it. That is the difference.

That, my dear, is psychology. Move your arms, the food's here.

The waiter arrives and places their food before them and leaves. They mutter thanks.

TWO

Asparagus makes your pee smell. We agree on that? Yes?

ONE

Well, it's not true of everyone. It might be genetic, but it is a known side-effect of eating asparagus.

For some people. Not all. Just for some.

TWO

Because you have eaten asparagus, your urine smells of asparagus. Therefore the smell of asparagus is forever associated with urine.

 

TWO (CONT'D)

Smell and taste are linked, you can't have one without the other, therefore asparagus tastes of urine.

ONE

Association is psychological. Association is a personal interpretation. It's your personal association, not necessarily mine. That makes it psychological. Smell stimulates memory. Conscious thought is modified by smell.

That's psychological.

TWO

Actually, it's genetic. Fewer women note the smell of urine in their aspargus. That means that the odour is there but not everybody has the ability to smell it. That's physical.

ONE

But the throwing up is psychological, because it has adjusted your thought process, not just your reaction.

TWO

Eat your steak before you have to put it on your psychological black eye.

ONE

And damn fine steak it is. How's that lobster?

TWO

Dead and loving it.

ONE

So. Marriage?

TWO

Ain't gonna happen.

ONE

Why not?

TWO

Really? Why not? We passed the town of Why Not just after Let's Get Off This Subject Boulevard. You see.

 

 

 

TWO (CONT'D)

I too can make funny place names for any given situation.

ONE

Tell me.

TWO

No.

ONE

Tell me.

TWO

At the risk of being overly emphatic, no and thrice no. Can you not just eat your meal?

ONE

Tell me.

TWO

Okay. You really want to know?

ONE

Of course.

TWO

Are you sure?

ONE

Yes.

TWO

I'll tell you what. If you promise not to say another word until I have finished my lobster and you have finished your steak, I will tell you.

ONE

Really?

TWO

Really.

ONE

Okay.

TWO

That doesn't mean that you have to eat like it's a contest. 'Cause I'm not hurrying this lobster. This lobster will not have died for no reason.

TWO (CONT'D)

It will not simply skim my tongue, bounce off my teeth and wash into my gullet without first being minutely dissected by every available taste bud in my mouth. Do you agree?

ONE

I agree.

TWO

Good, then cut that flank of cow you have on your fork in half and take it a bit at a time.

FADE OUT. FADE IN:

ONE AND TWO HAVE FINISHED EATING. THEIR PLATES SIT BEFORE THEM. THE WINE IS JUST ABOUT GONE. TWO EMPTIES THEIR GLASS. ONE POURS THE DREGS INTO TWO'S GLASS.

ONE

I wish I still smoked.

TWO

Me too.

ONE

It was great, wasn't it?

TWO

It was.

ONE

You could eat a cow or a lobster safe in the knowledge that within a few minutes you could legally smack up on the best drug in the world.

TWO

It was just the best way to end a meal.

ONE

And sex.

TWO

Really? After a meal?

ONE

I meant the cigarette.

Okay. God, yes. And it was a great way to procrastinate.

ONE

Yeah. You could always put off 'til tomorrow with a cigarette.

TWO

That would be a great advertisement. Smoke enough cigarettes and tomorrow will never come.

ONE

And talking of procrastinationa€| TWO

I don't think this is a good idea...

ONE

It's just for fun. Come on.

TWO

You can't do this sort of thing just for fun. It's serious. You want me to tell you why I won't marry you. That means I have to say bad things™

ONE

I can take it.

TWO

I'm not so sure, but so long as you're sure.

ONE

I am.

TWO

Okay. Your mother is crazy. She's not just crazy, she's worm-eating, bat-shit crazy.

ONE

She has mental health problems. She's never eaten worms.

TWO

No, she hasn't ever eaten worms. That was unfair. She has however accused the postman of pushing dog shit through her door, rang AMLC Radio and told them that a right wing Hispanic group had placed a bomb in the building as a protest against their lack of Latino music...

 

ONE

Which was true!

TWO

It was talk radio. She also telephoned her doctor and claimed that she had swallowed three batteries and now felt shocking.

ONE

That's just her sense of humour.

TWO

She has no boundaries. She walks around the supermarket taking bites out of fruit to see if it's fresh or not. She stands at her neighbour's window to see what they're watching on the TV, then gets upset and phones the police 'cause they tell her to piss off. She barks at dogs. She barks at dogs! Random dogs. Then she claims they are vicious...

ONE

You're not marrying my mother.

TWO

Yes, I am. Of course I am. If I marry you I marry every single member of your family. What happens if we have children and they inherit your mother's problems?

What if you have them? Where does that leave me?

ONE

In sickness and in health...

TWO

Exactly. I don't want that. I see the train coming, I'm not going to stand on the tracks. So that's it? You won't marry me because my mother's a little crazy?

TWO

It doesn't help, but it's not the only reason.

ONE

What else?

TWO

Oh, sweet Jesus! Because you don't like shopping. Because you don't like the movies I like. Because you like theatre and I don't. Because you leave your clothes on the floor instead of putting them in the washing basket. Because you leave the lid off the toothpaste. Because you'd rather read a book for an hour than talk for an hour...

ONE

Woah! These are little things. Surely the important thing in any relationship is common ground. We have common ground.

TWO

Yes, we do. We eat together, when our jobs allow. We sleep together. We sleep together. We live in the same house.

ONE

We love each other.

TWO

No.

FADE OUT. FADE IN:

INT. THE HALLWAY OF A HOUSE - DAY

ONE sits on the stairs. He is on the phone to TWO.

ONE

I left your mail on the hallway table. I thought you could come by and pick it up.

Sure.

ONE

How's the new apartment?

TWO

Kind of sparse. It'll fill up. In time.

ONE

Of course it will.

TWO

(beat)

Listen. Maybe you could just forward that mail. Easier.

ONE

Sure.

TWO

Okay. Thanks. I'd better go. Things to do.

ONE

Okay. You take care.

TWO

You too. Bye.

TWO puts the receiver down before ONE can reply

ONE

Bye.

ONE makes to get up, then doesn't. He puts the phone down on the stair next to him. He looks a bit lost